On the subject of popularity and passion
Jan. 16th, 2007 02:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pyatSo, there’s been some discussion and debate on Erin’s journal about high school. Specifically, the discussion was about Dungeons and Dragons. On one side of the debate was the opinion that it was better to steer kids away from D&D (and presumably all pen and paper gaming of the same or similar kind) because it would make the kids a target of bullying.
On the other side of the debate was the opinion that RPGs are a socially healthy outlet that build lasting friendships. This was usually expressed with an extra dollop of “…and, anyway, it’s the popular kids who end up in dead-end jobs,” or sentiments to that effect.
I won’t comment on the core part of the debate, at least not extensively.
However, it did spark a two other thoughts.
1. For the last few years, I’ve been of the opinion that very few people remember themselves as being popular in high school. This is because (no matter what group you are in) there will be someone who hates or disdains you. To dramatically simplify the social equation: the nerds disdain the jocks, who bully the nerds. Each group harasses the other. And of course, the larger the social group, the more internal divisions, rivalries and disagreements there will be.
The leader of my high-school cheerleader squad once wrote an anonymous article for the school newspaper describing her loss of virginity in a cluttered bedroom. It was just about the most depressing thing I’d ever read, and we didn’t print it because it contained sufficient detail to identify her. I recall that it was the first time that I really understood that people at the top of the “social chain” were not only not necessarily happy, but also had real internal lives that were just as valid as mine.
And this realization fuelled another revelation. The guys on the track team, the girls in gymnastics, etc…. they weren’t "cool." They were just keen on things I didn’t like. It was no use being disdainful of them simply because they liked things I didn’t like. They were in the same boat as me, in most ways. Why should I be sniffy about the ability to do push-ups, or play a guitar, if I didn’t want them to be scornful of my ability to write snotty editorials in the school paper?
The same could even be said of the junior executive types, who viewed life after high-school as an exercise in acquisition of wealth. I could hate their philosophy, but I couldn’t deny that they had some kind of driving interest.
The true enemy, if one actually existed, were the “real” cool people. The students who were the epitome of cool were the ones with no interests or passions whatsoever. They disdained anything that stank of effort or pleasure, and were interested only in ensuring that everyone else regarded life with the same level of studied nonchalance. In their world, the desire to excel at anything was dangerous.
In my opinion, it would almost be better to be a passionate stamp-collector with no friends at all. I say “almost”, because of my second point.
2. When we talk about social groups in high-school teasing or bullying other groups, we often forget that these are, in fact, GROUPS of people. The “gamers” are a group of people with common interests and passions, just as the chess team, the football players, the Drama club, etc., are.
As such, any individual within that group has a support structure, and has friends, or at least acquaintances. The students that we should really worry about are the true outcasts, the ones with no friends or social group at all, the people that are scorned even by the neediest of nerds.
I can think of two examples from my high-school. One, a very clever girl who suffered from cerebral palsy. She was in the gifted student group, but could not fit in. She had a crush on me, and I had one on her in the 9th and 10th grade… until I realized that no one liked her. She was plump, dressed in obvious charity store products (before that was cool), talked about Russia and physics incessantly, and didn’t wash her air often enough. She walked oddly, talked oddly, and had acne. People noticed that we sat together a lot… noticed also the surreptitious half-hugs and what-not, and the fact that we joked together.
The teasing I was subjected to because of my friendship with and evident attraction to this girl drove me to rather cruelly avoid her from that year onward. I don’t know how she took it, but she essentially disappeared from even the “nerd trips” the group took, and generally was by herself anytime I saw her after that. I fervently hope that she found a social group and romance in university, or in her career.
The second was a fellow who LOOKED like a nerd, and even had nerdly interests. He loved SF and comic books. However, he was not clever. In fact, I think he was possibly developmentally delayed and was in mostly remedial classes. He had no social skills. To be seen in his company was the mark of social doom. So, he was avoided by everyone, and the butt of jokes even at the hands of people who should have had at least a trace of empathy. He was desperate for friendship. He tried to become the class clown, and failed.
I still see him from time to time, and his lot has not changed. He lurks at a local comic book store for one afternoon a month, and never speaks to anyone. Just stands, smiling, by the register, for an hour… then takes his comics and walks out.
On the other side of the debate was the opinion that RPGs are a socially healthy outlet that build lasting friendships. This was usually expressed with an extra dollop of “…and, anyway, it’s the popular kids who end up in dead-end jobs,” or sentiments to that effect.
I won’t comment on the core part of the debate, at least not extensively.
However, it did spark a two other thoughts.
1. For the last few years, I’ve been of the opinion that very few people remember themselves as being popular in high school. This is because (no matter what group you are in) there will be someone who hates or disdains you. To dramatically simplify the social equation: the nerds disdain the jocks, who bully the nerds. Each group harasses the other. And of course, the larger the social group, the more internal divisions, rivalries and disagreements there will be.
The leader of my high-school cheerleader squad once wrote an anonymous article for the school newspaper describing her loss of virginity in a cluttered bedroom. It was just about the most depressing thing I’d ever read, and we didn’t print it because it contained sufficient detail to identify her. I recall that it was the first time that I really understood that people at the top of the “social chain” were not only not necessarily happy, but also had real internal lives that were just as valid as mine.
And this realization fuelled another revelation. The guys on the track team, the girls in gymnastics, etc…. they weren’t "cool." They were just keen on things I didn’t like. It was no use being disdainful of them simply because they liked things I didn’t like. They were in the same boat as me, in most ways. Why should I be sniffy about the ability to do push-ups, or play a guitar, if I didn’t want them to be scornful of my ability to write snotty editorials in the school paper?
The same could even be said of the junior executive types, who viewed life after high-school as an exercise in acquisition of wealth. I could hate their philosophy, but I couldn’t deny that they had some kind of driving interest.
The true enemy, if one actually existed, were the “real” cool people. The students who were the epitome of cool were the ones with no interests or passions whatsoever. They disdained anything that stank of effort or pleasure, and were interested only in ensuring that everyone else regarded life with the same level of studied nonchalance. In their world, the desire to excel at anything was dangerous.
In my opinion, it would almost be better to be a passionate stamp-collector with no friends at all. I say “almost”, because of my second point.
2. When we talk about social groups in high-school teasing or bullying other groups, we often forget that these are, in fact, GROUPS of people. The “gamers” are a group of people with common interests and passions, just as the chess team, the football players, the Drama club, etc., are.
As such, any individual within that group has a support structure, and has friends, or at least acquaintances. The students that we should really worry about are the true outcasts, the ones with no friends or social group at all, the people that are scorned even by the neediest of nerds.
I can think of two examples from my high-school. One, a very clever girl who suffered from cerebral palsy. She was in the gifted student group, but could not fit in. She had a crush on me, and I had one on her in the 9th and 10th grade… until I realized that no one liked her. She was plump, dressed in obvious charity store products (before that was cool), talked about Russia and physics incessantly, and didn’t wash her air often enough. She walked oddly, talked oddly, and had acne. People noticed that we sat together a lot… noticed also the surreptitious half-hugs and what-not, and the fact that we joked together.
The teasing I was subjected to because of my friendship with and evident attraction to this girl drove me to rather cruelly avoid her from that year onward. I don’t know how she took it, but she essentially disappeared from even the “nerd trips” the group took, and generally was by herself anytime I saw her after that. I fervently hope that she found a social group and romance in university, or in her career.
The second was a fellow who LOOKED like a nerd, and even had nerdly interests. He loved SF and comic books. However, he was not clever. In fact, I think he was possibly developmentally delayed and was in mostly remedial classes. He had no social skills. To be seen in his company was the mark of social doom. So, he was avoided by everyone, and the butt of jokes even at the hands of people who should have had at least a trace of empathy. He was desperate for friendship. He tried to become the class clown, and failed.
I still see him from time to time, and his lot has not changed. He lurks at a local comic book store for one afternoon a month, and never speaks to anyone. Just stands, smiling, by the register, for an hour… then takes his comics and walks out.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 02:34 pm (UTC)And this does happen with gamer groups from time to time. More common, perhaps, is the unspoken belief that no one in the group should NEED social contact with people outside their hobby...
That's kind of why I didn't go on a date until I was 20, I think.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 04:05 pm (UTC)That does seem to be common. Sorta like a social commune away from the world. There is something to be said about not being protected in that way. When I mention that part where I am not proud of in my post below, there was no single more defining moment then when I came out. I went a total backlash of who I was and realized what I wanted in life. In essence I "found myself". I took the confidence of the dark time but added it with a very strict moral base... which I have admittedly softened over time. The process however lead me from being a "poor" student to a "honors" student and go on to a successful time in university and a reasonable successful go at life thus far.
Sometime I can imagine it is hard to watch your child suffer, but oddly enough, it was the sheltered existence I was living before that lead me to my eventual downfall. So really it is hard to be sure what is right. What is that expression about eating a little dirt everyday.... I donno.... and I am not even close to someone who should talk about parenting, but I guess sometimes you have to let your child fall so they learn how to get back up again.