MFF 2009: Day Four - The Toledo Vortex

[pyat]

I had Beatles tunes (as sung by the Bee Gees and Aerosmith) stuck in my head all night, but managed to sleep soundly. The morning light streamed in bright and clear once again.


sassy_fae and I took our leave of halfelf and leonard_arlotte, and ate a mostly healthy breakfast in the con suite.


And that was that! Our time in con space was over, but we still faced the long and winding road (DUN DAH! DUN DAH! That leeeads to your doooor...) back to Hamilton...




As we left, sassy_fae wisely set the GPS unit (known affectionately as "GPySy" or "Hester") to avoid toll roads. The reasoning being that it was Sunday, and we could get through Chicago easily enough on the freeways. It worked like a charm! We were free to drift along the midwestern highways like a wandering comet in the... um... solar system... of... roadways... and.... stuff?


America has a lot of billboards. And they are almost all alarming, silly, or alien. There are many many many billboards for fireworks as you approach state lines.


And strip clubs. And adult boutiques.


And religious themes. And patriotic ones - billboards that just say "GOD BLESS AMERICA", for example.


There were lots of ads for hospitals, advertising things like "anterior hip replacements". And lots of billboards for insurance, and lawyers.


Oh, and guns of course.

We drove and drove and drove. We decided to stop for gas in Hebron, Indiana. I noted to sassy_fae that Hebron was the hometown of the title character in the 1900 novel, Sister Carrie. Then I reflected that I'd never been there before. Then we realized that we were travelling the wrong way.

(Also, I checked Wiki just now, and Carrie was from Columbia, Wisconsin, so I dont' know where the heck I know Hebron from.)

The GPS was avoiding ALL toll roads, and included border bridges in that. It was sending us to the nearest free crossing - somewhere in Vermont, I think, though it may have also been Kingston. In any case, it was adding a few hundred miles to the journey. We were already going the wrong way, south and west on a course that was taking us to Toledo. Toledo, home of Corporal Klinger, Mudhens and... and... that one restaurant that Klinger liked?


We did not want to go to Toledo. We pulled off in Hebron (home of the Flying J truckstop, a McDonalds, and an adult superstore!) for fuel and nibbles. The "free wifi" turned out to be "very expensive," so I didn't log in.


I found out where rednecks buy their ripped sleeve shirts!


And acquired a box of magical Americaland food!


We drove for many miles and hours through Indiana and Michigan. As we passed through Kalamazoo, I was seized by the thrill of the open road, and started filking a very, very, very obscure song. I substituted "Kalamazoo" for "Tuscalou."


Around Stevenville, we decided to stop for food. Here, the Fae One consults GyPSy.


Stevensville is near the lakeshore, and I clambered out to explore for a bit.


And then, Culver's! A midwestern burger chain of good repute.


We had their cheapo combos. I loved the fries with mayo, though the butter burgers were not as exciting as they sounded. We both came to the realization that not a single American fastfood burger we'd tried could compare to Harvey's.


I always want to stop in Paw Paw.


We saw many strange sights on the road. Magic tricycles.


Dead animals - this was one of the many dead deer we saw in Michigan, and the only one that wasn't roadkill. I assume.


Okay, yes, this is blurry. But when we saw the sign, both sassy_fae and I started singing "Moon over Parma".


And that is the actual Moon. Over Parma!


Finally, we arrived in Detroit at the home of kianir and tigerwolfvix! This is kianir, after I ambushed him with the camera.


kianir had just started a new job, and to celebrate we went for supper at a local diner...


...National Coney Island. It was very nifty. The sign rotates!


9 out of 10 bloggers agree - they are an adorable couple.


The Coney Dogs were pretty adorable, too. IN OUR STOMACHS.


As we left, I was challenged by a ghost from my past. The Galagian Armada had bested me many times, at the local Beckers. 27 years later, it was time for a rematch.


Hours passed as my fingers flew furiously over the console. I played those buttons like a piano, a piano of hot video death, as I blasted wave after wave of inhuman monsters! (Translation: I lasted about three minutes.)

Also, I left my laptop computer on the gumball machine next to the video console. And walked out. And drove back to Kia and Vicky's house, and got into Jenn's car, and she started to drive...

And we drove and drove.

And then we realized two things.

First, the GPS was sending us back to Toledo. Again.

Second... I'd left my laptop computer on the gumball machine at National Coney Island. In Detroit. Late at night.

In a scene reminiscent of something from Planes, Trains and Automobiles, the Fae One reversed direction while I desperately searched the GPS for the Coney Island location. Calling kianir was out of the question, as our cell phones don't work in the US, and Detroit doesn't seem to like payphones. After three false starts toward the wrong "Coney Island" chain, I finally thought to check the exact name of the restaurant by reviewing the photos on my camera.

We zipped back through some sketchy neighborhoods - liqour stores and Olive Gardens! Yeesh! We saw an arrest in progress in front of one liqour store.


We got back to the National Coney Island.... God Bless America, and Detroit. My laptop was sitting right where I'd left it.

We counted our blessings, reprogrammed the GPS, and drove to the border. Crossed without incident, and got home around Stupid O'Clock. And that was all.

This concludes my MFF con report. I want to thank all the wonderful friends I met over the weekend, who made the con experience so enjoyable. A super big thank you to velvetpage for letting me go, and to sassy_fae for being an excellent chaffeur and confidante, and for listening to me tell long winded anecdotes for 24 hours of driving.

Good night, and God Bless.

Comments

[curtana.livejournal.com]

Hahah, I suspect you only thought you were headed to Toledo! I take that route most days - the signs say Toledo in big letters, but if you take the right exit (Clark? I think - I don't actually read the names anymore...) you actually get deposited in Canada :)

Glad you got home safely, anyway!

[katepufftail.livejournal.com]

...i'm putting myself in grave danger by saying this, in culver's home state, but culver's has never really impressed me. if i wanted a 'burger that tasted like bread, i'd make it myself. in'n'out is far superior, but it is, alas, some distance away. you did not hear this from me, i was never here...

[zorinlynx.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you had quite an adventure on the way home! I'm glad it was a fun and safe trip in the end with only a few moments of "eep!"

I wish I had been able to hang out with you guys more; hopefully next year your cel provider will have proper roaming in the states so we can coordinate things better. :)

[paka.livejournal.com]

GUNS! GUNS! ALL KINDS OF GUNS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAkwQ6pO_No - at 3:17 the narrator goes pretty much orgasmic over guns.

... although I figure you'll find the whole thing pretty darn funny. I especially like the "every dollar you spend helps the enemy" in contrast to our last president's "going to the mall stops terrorism."

[tigerwolfvix.livejournal.com]

1) wrong username there, as I am not a vixen at all. I'm simply cursed with being an orangish female canid named Vix.

2) it's Vicky.

3) so am I the 1 out of 10 that thinks I look terrible next to Kia?

[anidada.livejournal.com]

I hear tell Paw Paw Lawton makes some good 'shine. *nods*

Confidante, eh? Fat baby, eh? *eyes you warily* Pardon me, I have to go question a certain Fae. o_O

[kores-rabbit.livejournal.com]

I LOVE NUTTER BUTTERS!!!! Also, we're all glad to have you home and safe!

[leonard-arlotte.livejournal.com]

Sounds like quite an adventure for your way home. Glad you two made it back safely.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

1. Ack!

2. Ack!

3. Apparently! :)

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Nope - one could zoom out on the map to review the route, and it passed right through Toledo, and thence through Ohio and into New York.

[relee.livejournal.com]

Yeah when I traveled through the United States, the Billboards were by far the most alien, compared to the endless woodlots and farmlands of Southern Ontario.

My Dad told me that there's some kind of law here in Canada that prevents most Billboards, that's why we have so few.


And yeah, they have a lot of Hamburgers in the United States but I don't think I ever had one that compared the Harvey's.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

I've been to a couple of In'n'Outs in California - they were indeed better than Culver's, but still far inferior to Harvey's! Though I've had hamburgers far superior to Harvey's at single location diners, etc., in the US.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

There has gotta be a way for me to get US service, even if I have to buy a special card or something. I just need to remember to research it.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Yes! I remember this one, and remember also contrasting the whole "Save money for victory!" vs. "If we stop eating at White Castle's, the terrorists have already won!"

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Paw Paw Layton? Jack Layton's cantankerous old uncle?

And hey, hey! What happens in East Lansing stays in East Lansing.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

I also love Nutter Butters! Jenn and I ate the whole box within 40 miles.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[pyat.livejournal.com]

I've had burgers in the US that were better than Harvey's, but they were definitely not from any of the chains.

Curiously, all the McDonald's we visited in Michigan were much better than the local ones. Almost... *shivers*.... nice.

[renface.livejournal.com]

Two things-- I've been to that Hebron rest stop dozens of times in travels to/from Ohio. I got violently ill the last time I ate there. Ugh.

Mostly, I wanted to say that I love Culver's! I am a frequent customer at the Culver's near my house.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I have heard from innumerable Americans that there are some excellent fast-food burger chains. I have never tried them, being vegetarian and most of them not offering veggie burgers. Most of them are apparently regional. During the time I was eating meat, I did find that no fast food chain there was anywhere near as good as Harvey's, which is especially weird considering how much better Lick's is than Harvey's here, so there's a whole echelon of fast food chain burgers above Harvey's. However, one thing that surprised me was that when I started having Americans up to visit, they mostly disliked Harvey's, sometimes strongly. They claimed that the meat at Harvey's is more like sausage than burger patty and that it tastes "wrong" on a burger.

[commanderteddog.livejournal.com]

And now sit back as Pyat plays old arcade games and reenacts the ending to the music video Subdivisions.

I miss US billboards. I looked forward to them on every roadtrip.

Bronners, religious themes aside, is actually a VERY nifty if not cheesy place. I went there back in 2005 as a side trip on the way to T-Bay. You need to make a roadtrip to Frankenmuth some day.

[relee.livejournal.com]

The McDonalds here in Sarnia are pretty nice. The Taco Bell is dreadful though, they haven't maintained or repaired anything since they opened when I was a kid. I joked to a couple people lately, "I remember when the pictures in here were in colour!" because they're so sun faded they barely show anything at all.

If you want to see the Taco Bell you can watch Bowling for Columbine; for some reason that guy decided to interview people in front of the ugliest building in town. ^.^;;

[archai.livejournal.com]

You know, you can pick up a pay-as-you-go phone at most electronics stores for something like $30. A couple of years ago at AC, we did this for Akil, who was visiting from the UK.

[archai.livejournal.com]

Billboards for fireworks: by some bizarre coincidence, alternating states across the US have passed laws banning or restricting the sale of fireworks, which leads state borders to become highly lucrative trading areas for about two months every summer.

Tricycle: It's a powered parachute! There's a big rectangular 'chute that attaches to the outriggers on either side of the seat, and you go fly around in that thing. They're quite popular in ultralight circles because they're quite cheap, pack down to a size that fits in most respectable garages, and are easy to transport.

If you ever venture far enough south, you simply *must* visit a Braum's. They're quite unique. I cannot vouch much for the burgers; they're good, but nothing to write home about. The ice cream, however, is another matter entirely. Braum's stores are unique in that a) they are the only fast food joint you will ever eat at that also contains a grocery store, and b) the ice cream? Braum's owns the cows responsible for it. They also sell milk in the grocery. Braum's is regional in large part because of this: the milk is trucked out fresh.

[dronon.livejournal.com]

Oh drat - Pyat, I wish I'd been able to give you a heads-up about this (http://www.boingboing.net/2009/11/25/national-gaming-day.html)! (And a related link (http://www.theescapist.com/library/).)

[seritaph.livejournal.com]

That would be due to the McDonalds providing a significant portion of Michigan their only access to actual restaurants. Kinda gives 'em motivation to be on their 'A' game.

Used to live there. I can take all the cheap shots I want....

[paka.livejournal.com]

Hey, apropos of nothing. I ran into http://diterlizzi.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/samwhiskers.jpg on Tony Diterlizzi's blog, and it made me think of you.

[doc-mystery.livejournal.com]

A physical *paper* map would have been pretty handy I bet...

I'm also reminded of the time two of us drove back from GenCon Indy (me driving, you riding shot-gun) and we got lost after stopping off at a Big Boy Restaurant and ended up driving the wrong way for about 45 minutes. There's a common denominator around here somewhere in that old story and this one...if I could only put my finger on it...

::B::

[mbehemoth.livejournal.com]

Glad you made it there and back again safe. Sounded like fun except for the whole laptop in Detroit incident.

I have to say, Filking sounds like a dirty word to me.

[sassy-fae.livejournal.com]

Pure Michigan!

[sassy-fae.livejournal.com]

They were indeed a little AWESOME. Pirates cookies compare favourably, though!

[sassy-fae.livejournal.com]

Hmm, the only American I can remember having a Harvey's burger loved it! I'm going to have to poll my friends from South of the border to see who's tried them and what they thought.