Doctor Who and the Procrastinators of Pyat

In The Satan Pit, the Tenth Doctor comes face to face with the Devil, after taking a literal leap of faith into a black pit on an impossible planet. It was a two part story, with lots of shooting and monsters – kind of a combination of Doom, Aliens, The Ark in Space, Event Horizon, and The Black Hole. I won’t hand out too many spoilers, but I was wondering how the other Doctors would have dealt with The Ultimate Evil.

I think it would go a little something like this…


First Doctor
Quote: “The Devil? Indeed? You don’t say. Super…superstition….” Looks around vaguely. Ian Chesterton silently mouths something. The Doctor nods, and tucks his thumbs in his lapels. “Yes, superstitious nonsense. Hmm?” Silence. “Chesterton, stop m… stop, stop, stop mooning about, and go down that hole, would you?”

Number of Episodes: 12 episodes, including a lengthy subplot (written by Terry Nation) in which the characters are put on trial for murder and fight evil robots on the Sun.

Ep 1.: Doctor Who and the Impossible Planet
Ep 2: Doctor Who and the Space Slaves
Ep 3: Doctor Who and the Pit of Doom
Ep 4: Doctor Who and the Ultimate Evil
Ep 6: Doctor Who and the Moon Emergency
Ep 7: Doctor Who and the Sun-Bot Invasion
Ep 8: Doctor Who and the Revenge of the Sun-Bots
Ep 9: Doctor Who and the Trial of the Sun-Bots
Ep 10: Doctor Who and the Return to The Pit of Doom
Ep 11: Doctor Who and the Devils from Time
Ep 12: Doctor Who and the Rocketship Escape

The BBC will later destroy the tapes to make room for their Ask Pickles archive. Fans who reconstruct the storyline from Radio News production stills and 40-year-old memories will alternately declare it “the greatest plotline ever” and “incredibly boring, with a subjective viewing time of nine-billion hours.”

Leap of Faith?: No. The Doctor sends Ian into the Pit, where Ian wrestles with a “Time Devil,” a man in a clumsy rubber costume. Ian knocks the Time Devil down a shaft, and it dies. That would be about all, because Black Holes had not yet entered popular SF.


Second Doctor
Quote: “A Black Hole, Jamie. A hole in time and space. Nothing can escape from it – not even the TARDIS!” (This is followed by a comic bit with the recorder.)

Number of Episodes and Response : Six. All copies are supposedly lost during the great Goon Show teleplay shelf-space reassignment, but a kinescope copy is later discovered underneath the grease trap of the BBC cafeteria.

Ep. 1: The Incredible Planet
Ep. 2: The Hole in Time
Ep. 3: The Cosmic Evil
Ep. 4: The Abyss
Ep. 5: The Old Enemy
Ep. 6: The Great Escape

Younger fans are terrified by the possessed Ood. Questions are raised in Parliament about the need for stricter broadcast regulations, and the Archbishop of Canterbury expresses “concern” about the occult content of the show.

Leap of Faith?: Yes, but the Pit is only 20 feet deep, and he doesn’t so much leap as stumble. While down in the Pit, the Doctor finds out that the Great Intelligence is behind everything, and they have a psychic battle.


Third Doctor
Quote: “No sentient creature has the right to enslave another, Jo. The only Devil here is mankind’s inhumanity to the Ood.”

Number of Episodes and Response: Four. Released on VHS in the 80s, and now available in a deluxe DVD edition.

Ep. 1: The Impossible Planet
Ep. 2: The Slaves of Space
Ep. 3: The Revenge of the Ood
Ep 4: The Pit of Satan

It’s a midseason storyline, fondly remembered by most. Stodgier critics cringe at the strident antislavery message, preferring their entertainment devoid of social commentary. A BBC exec later quotes the Doctor when announcing the decision to cancel The Black and White Minstrel Show.

Leap of Faith?: No, but Jo accidentally trips and falls into the Pit as a cliff-hanger, only to be seen clinging to a vine about five feet down in the next episode. The entire story would be about how the Doctor Teaches the Ood About This Thing You Call Free-Dom. The man with a gun would get a snoot-full of Venusian Aikido. All the weirdness is caused by a mind-control ray built by the Master, who escapes at the last second.


Fourth Doctor
Quote: “Satan? Really? How extraordinary. I always thought they’d done you a disservice in Faust…” “SILENCE!” “…but Paradise Lost, now there was a…” “SILENCE!” “You heard the Devil, K-9, do be quiet now, there’s a good fellow.”

Number of Episodes and Response: Four, partially written by Douglas Adams.

Ep. 1: The Doomed Planet
Ep. 2: The Pit of Death
Ep. 3: The Ultimate Enemy
Ep. 4: The Guardians of Evil

Leap of Faith?: Sort of. The Doctor abseils down the side of the Pit with his scarf, but falls part of the way. Some impressive chroma-key effects are used to create a giant blotchy red energy-being that calls itself Satan. The Doctor decodes the weird writing, and discovers that the Ood were the guardians of Satan. He smashes a clay vase, and releases them from servitude, and they use their mind-powers to entrap Satan in the pit again.

Doctor Who and the Revenge of the Procrastitrons of Pyat

Fifth Doctor
Quote: (Uttered while desperately trying to rewire a mine elevator as it plummets into the Pit) “If I can’t reset the polarity of the mag locks, we’re in for a short, sharp …" (Sparks fly from the ruined control panel) "BLAST! Hold on, Adric!” (Episode ends)

Number of Episodes and Response: Four, though the script is clearly padded upwards from a two-parter, with lots of unnecessary running around in corridors and technobabble arguments between Teagan and Adric.

Ep. 1: Impossible Planet
Ep. 2: Mines of Death
Ep. 3: Devil World
Ep. 4: The Banishment

The storyline receives rave reviews for the first three episodes, as critics gush about the intelligent dialogue and sly references to Jewish mysticism, quantum theory (Schrödinger’s Base!) and Shakespeare. Sadly, the climax features a giant inflatable Satan that slays the delicate suspension of disbelief, and the storyline acquires an unjustified bad reputation. Twenty years later, most fans re-evaluate the story and decide that it was actually pretty good.

Leap of Faith?: Not entirely – the elevator fall replaces the Leap of Faith in the plotline. Adric is able to work out a circuitry bypass to restore power to the elevator just before it lands in the bottom of the Pit. The Beast rises, only to be forced back by Hadronic Wave Radiation from the Doctor’s rewired sonic screwdriver. The Pit closes, and the planet falls apart. The Doctor rescues everyone in the TARDIS.


Sixth Doctor
Quote: Doctor: “Spooks, goblins, devils, and now this! Mankind looking for a scapegoat on which to pin his failings! ”
Satan: “Obey me! Or the girl dies!”
Peri: “Doctor, please! Help!”
Doctor: “I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE DEVIL!”
Satan: “Nooooooooo!”

Number of Episodes and Response: The BBC contracted for a four part story, and received a six part script. Budget concerns meant that the entire storyline was compressed into two episodes.

Ep. 1: The Impossible Planet Problem
Ep. 2: The Devilish Pit

Cost overruns, script problems, and criminally incompetent editing doomed this one from the start. There are gaping plot holes, and the supporting characters are either mute or 2-dimensional. None the less, Colin Baker turns in a vigorous performance that seems to grow on you as time passes.

Leap of Faith?: Peri is thrown into the Pit by a maddened Ood, and the Doctor falls after her in an attempt to save her. Happily, they are saved by a net at the bottom of the Pit. The resolution – in which the Beast is destroyed because the Doctor refuses to believe in him – caused national eye-rolling when it aired, though many fans now believe it deserves a second chance.


Seventh Doctor
Quote: Ace: “Professor… is there really a Devil down there?”
Doctor (chewing his umbrella): “Yes, Ace.”
Ace: “But, how do you know?”
Doctor: “Because I put him there…”

Number of Episodes and Response: Four episodes, broadcast in the final season.

Ep. 1: Slave Mine
Ep. 2: Doom World
Ep. 3: Eternity Pit
Ep. 4: Time Forge

The storyline received high ratings for the first two episodes, but viewer numbers dropped sharply in coming weeks, as show was broadcast at the same time as the series premiere of Nickers & Phart, the new Ben Elton comedy. Reviews are mixed, and most critics felt that the BBC FX department was overreaching itself, particularly with the construction of the animatronic Beast. The creature was impressive enough in repose, and in publicity stills, but was decidedly wobbly on film.

Leap of Faith?: The Doctor, knowing that he is responsible for the Beast being chained into the Pit in the first place, insouciantly leaps into the depths after doffing his hat to Ace. The setup (The Beast serves as a kind of ultimate weapon to be unleashed against the Singularitons from beyond the Black Hole) is interesting, but the writers seemed to have painted themselves into a corner by episode 4. In the end, everything is solved by the judicious application of Nitro-Nine. Kaboom!